THE SOULSTICE RETREAT AND MY WHY
Outfit: Albion Fit
“Follow your passion…it’ll lead you to your purpose” -OPRAH
One month ago I was settled into Park Ctiy at the Soulstice Retreat with Albion Fit at the Stein Erikson Lodge. This weekend away was surely one of the greatest gifts that couldn’t have come at a better time in my life. The first night I remember thinking to myself, is this is all I get from this weekend, then I’ll be so content. Then, it kept getting better and better.
The yoga, pilates, acro-yoga, SUP Yoga, hiking, swimming, sun bathing was all beyond amazing. What got me most that weekend was the girls I met, the energy we shared and how I will forever be changed for the better. That weekend in Utah really helped me gain some self-awareness I was seeking.
Before I left, I really questioned myself and what my reason for blogging was. I am not a professional blogger (if you couldn’t tell already). I don’t proof read. Hate changing outfits, don’t really like shopping that much and to be honest I’m not always on trend with what’s in. So why the heck am I running this “style” blog?
The biggest struggle I was getting confused with was my WHY. You ever get that? Catch yourself in a moment and really question what the heck you are doing?
Blogging for me, is a choice. I’m grateful for that choice but at the same time I felt proud like I wanted to contribute to my little family and I wanted to be the entrepreneur that I knew I could be. I wanted something to work at for myself. But when what I’m doing was making others around me feel bad, thats when I really questioned my reality. I see how passionate and joyful blogging makes some and I knew that feeling wasn’t there for me. I wanted to feel 1000% happy doing what I was doing–and I wasn’t.
This made me nervous to admit. You change a career once, people are ok. Twice, they think you’ve wasted a lot of time. Third time…now they just think you’re pretty confused. It’s not that I was excited about throwing Convey The Moment away but I personally feel if you are unhappy with something or it isn’t 100% of a reflection of where you want to be then you need to get up and change that. Do what actually makes you happy. Parts of it made me happy, but parts of it made me feel extremely confused as well. As I’m writing this right now my girlfriend just sent me a text saying, “I feel like your feed is definitely more true to yourself now!” I think I was overthinking the whole thing and taking it a bit too seriously.
What I learned is that I must stop wasting time. Stop focusing on everything you hate or wish you could have. Stop waiting until you get to where you want to be. You have to start living now. Enjoying the now. Accepting the realities of now. I’m sorry if this offends anyone but I have been there and I have hated every single second of it. I loved having Convey The Moment but I didn’t love what I was putting out on Convey The Moment.
The truth is, I started Convey The Moment to share parts of me, with those who cared to follow along. I wanted to let those interested in reading know it’s okay to not be perfect. I have struggles, we all do. I don’t have very many talents. I can’t sing, it’s been forever since I’ve danced. I’m not athletic, suck at anything beauty related and I had no intention of being the next big fashion blogger. I knew that I see life a little differently at times and I have an extremely compassionate heart. I knew that by combining the two I could have fun and make a little difference. This was my outlet to keep myself busy until I ended up where I wanted to be. In my own personal private life. I really sat down one day and started asking myself: What were my goals? Dreams? Ambitions? Who did I want to be when I really grew up?
All I knew is that this blog and the whole Instagram world started making me feel like shit and I wasn’t happy doing what I am doing. We know this because we’ve talked about this. I’m just exhausted of being in a cycle where I feel I am serving no purpose, not only to others, but to myself. I feel that when I was blogging it appearead as bragging and i didn’t like that.
This weekend at the Soulstice Retreat really helped align my priorities, understand my realities and seek insight into what was going on around me so clearly.
No one asked me this, but I began questioning myself; How was I serving the world? How was what I am putting out making a difference? How does my existence make you feel better? I can post 1 million posts on all the cute things I can put together, I can arrange my photos in a way to make you believe that I’ve gotten it figured out. But how is that going to make any difference at all, especially if it wasn’t making me happy. Sure it’ll provide a moment of inspiration but will it really make you feel that good, will it change you in a way where you want to put back into this universe.
This is the honest truth. I was so tired. I was tired of people thinking I’ve got it figured out. That I thought having followers made me cool. That I lived to shop. That fashion was one of my passions. That I think I’m better than others. That I dislike children. That I don’t have feelings. Or a heart. Or friends. Or a family. Or a life. Not that I’m overly concerned with what anyone thinks but the whole thing felt off to who I really was and that was hard. If I was happy doing what I wad doing–then that would have been amazing. I would have been living for what I love. But I wasn’t.
You never know when I volunteer, or offer a hand or make a difference in the world, but why is that? Why is what is really important in this world something I am choosing not to share with you? I don’t do great things. But I do try my hardest to be there for everyone around me. People I don’t even know. Animals I’ve never even met. I just needed to check in and revaluate myself and what I was doing.
My Instagram feed is full of perfect little people, with perfect little lives. Did you know that? The coolest moms in the world. The healthiest eaters I’ve ever seen. World Travellers. People so gorgeous you would almost think they weren’t real. Shit. Did my life ever suck compared to. Well, I’m done comparing. If I feel inspired, I’ll post. Before anything hits this bl0g I’m going to really question, how is this going to better someone else’s day?
I hope to evolve it into a better reflection of who I am, what I really do and how my experiences can help you. If I wear an outfit I personally find cute and feel inspired I just might photograph it and post it. I want to save the full on fashion business for the experts in that area. The girls who love and are amazing at what they do. I need to be true to who I am, to love what I do every single day.
We heard from two amazing speakers that weekend. Melissa Hartwig co-creater of Whole 30 and Stephanie Nielson (nieniedialogues). When Melissa got up and spoke that first night I felt like bowing down. I thought to myself–holy crap she totally just explained me to the absolute T. I was scared of giving up Convey The Moment because everyone identified me with it, when in reality it wasn’t who I was..it was what I did. She also encouraged me to share my story which I hadn’t been able to tell many until that weekend. I was able to explain my struggles to girls who were just a couple hours ago strangers and that took a lot of courage. I find I am always the one listening, offering a shoulder, lending a hand, giving my everything so it felt really good to be heard and comforted and validated.
When Stephanie spoke it really hit home. Perhaps because of my experience on the Burns and Plastics unit but also because of her message. Celebrate the littlest things. Find Joy in the ordinary. Live your life. Live your life Eleni. Live and love your life.
It was my birthday the night Stephanie spoke and it was the best birthday gift I’ve ever received. She reminded me that life is a gift and how precious it really is. What an absolute gift it is. We chatted after over some delicious vegan birthday cake. She moved me and reminded me that I need to get up and start living again. I appreciate each one of you for coming and reading and encouraging me throughout it all.
P.S. Please excuse all the mistakes as I’m sick as a bug and my eyes are pretty swollen from tears.
This was a small group of us after doing HIGH Fitness. Oh my heaven. They literally had to drag me there and I am forever grateful they did. I’m not one to love working out/high intensity but some of the greatest people I’ve ever met started High and going to that class was honestly a blessing in disguise. Ironically one of the owners lives in my city and I’ve become close to one of their girlfriends who isn’t only someone I’ve been longing to meet she literally lives a neighbourhood away. If you ever want to come to High with us, send me an email! It’s actually SO much fun you don’t even feel like you’re working out!
Sadie (on my left) and I had chatted online since I started Convey The Moment so meeting her in person was an absolute blessing. She is literally better than I imagined. So grateful. The girl on my right (Ashley) was the Soulstice Retreat winner who has also recently started a blog with a cute little concept! Go check her out too! xo