Hello, sweet, sweet, sweet humans.  My heart feels so overwhelmed.  With fear and love and hope and faith and indescribable levels of pain but at least I’m feeling.  Some days have been so tough I haven’t been able to feel much of anything.  I wanted to share with you guys where we are, what we have done and where we plan on going.  To anyone going through this journey please share your story below.  I have had a hard time getting back to everyone but I want you to know that we have read and watched every single thing that has come our way.  I love watching you all interact with one another and find some sense of healing in sharing your story.    

I don’t even really know where to begin… When we first started trying, I had this gut feeling it wasn’t going to be easy.  I went to my doctor to get checked for absolutely everything to make sure I was healthy as a vegan, my blood levels were okay, to check and see if I was suffering from any autoimmune disorders, you know everything, I’ll never forget how much blood they drew, I had to laugh at it myself.  I knew my doctor was doing it mostly to ease my mind but I was grateful regardless.  

The results came in.  Everything normal.  I was so relieved because Google has told me otherwise 100 plus times.  So then we started trying…nothing was happening.  Our doctor told us to take a vacation so we did.  We relaxed, we drank we shared a million laughs but we still didn’t fall pregnant.  So we went away some more, we saw some of the most beautiful places and we were able to experience some amazing things.  But we were still not pregnant, and a piece of my little heart was shattered a little more as each month passed. It had been almost two years.

We were then referred to a OBGYN who completed further testing at specific times in my cycle (which is regular to the minute ps).   Everything came back normal.  Our next step was a hysterosalpingogram (HSG Test).  For those of you who aren’t sure what this is, it’s a test where the Doctor injects dye through a catheter and a radiologist looks at an x-ray to see how the dye flows through your reproductive cavity.  I was watching and I could see only one tube flowing, and I remember saying out loud, “push the syringe harder, it isn’t flushing through my left tube”.  I then heard the radiologist confirm that there was in fact no flow on the left side.  I couldn’t understand.  I knew the reasons why tubal blockage happens, I didn’t have a history of any infections,they weren’t concerned about endometreosis, I panicked.  The doctor calmly said that sometimes people are just born a certain way and they were in no way concerned this was anything to be concerned about.  This is when they referred me to the Fertility Clinic.  Who then continued to tell me they aren’t worried and confirmed a diagnosis of Unexplained Infertility.  

Well, if you know me at all, this just can’t suffice.  I need to know why.  I need to understand why the kidneys work the way they do, why broken bones heal, how vision can be either hyperopia or myopia, and I certainly needed to understand why I wasn’t able to conceive.  But no matter how many times I asked they kept saying nothing.  We were given the option to either go ahead with a laparoscopic surgery to see whats going on inside or start fertility treatments.  We kept asking for their advice but they suggested we decide.  Naturally, I was like shit I’m over this let’s just fix it!

So we started on Clomid in combination with timed hcg injections and intrauterine inseminations which always resulted in a negative pregnancy test.  I couldn’t do it any more.  I was broken, feeling absolutely defeated. The months when I was actually feeling motivated, I would be ovulating form the left side, so we would have no choice but to forgo the procedure.  An egg can’t pass through a blocked tube. I honestly refused to go through any of that again.  Their was a 10% percent chance of success each time and at that point it just didn’t seem worth it emotionally.  We decided to take a break and go on another vacation….hey, everyone kept suggesting it so why not! We then had to wait another solid two months to get in just to tell our doctor we wanted to be put on another waiting list for In Vitro Fertilization. We sat and were told if we wait we would probably conceive eventually but I cant wait any more.  We waited another 3 months and here we are today.  

 I picked up my injections this morning and will start them sometime after my next period.  I am unsure about the timelines as of now because they will give us more details next month when aunt flow shows up (meow). But trust me, she will come, she never fails to show up. We will go ahead with an egg retrieval if I produce eggs, they will let them develop into embryos and if we successfully create then we will wait to transfer in a couple of months.  This will probably be something I share mostly with my snapchat fam so if you care to follow along more please find us on there (elenimcmullin). I’m obviously feeling extremely overwhelmed but I’m also excited, for this next challenge in our journey.  

Well, that was a long write and I can imagine an even longer read.  But I honestly thank you all from the absolute highest point in me.  I am so grounded in hearing of all of your journeys.  Life can be so hard, but it can be equally as miraculous.  It’s all in how we decide to manage.  

I wish I could reach through the screen to every single one of you who has recognized my struggle, who has sent me a letter or a message or a video, or a comment. Who has told me they know exactly how I feel.  YOU have added to my life and YOU have forever changed me. For that, I will be forever grateful. SO much love, xo E

If you haven’t seen our video you can watch it here:

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