A LETTER TO ALL THE SOMEDAY MAMAS: INFERTILITY ON MOTHER’S DAY

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Photo via: Pinterest

Photo via: Pinterest

This day every year still brings up all kinds of emotions.  I remember living through Mother’s Day each year and how my heart just ached to be a mother.  Since becoming a mother that ache still surfaces every single Mother’s Day because you never forget.  I know a number of the girls who are part of this family came along because they connected with our infertility journey and I believe we have connected for a reason.  Now that I am on the other side, it doesn’t mean I will forget that part of my life, in fact I never want to forget it. I just want you to know that I hear you and see you and feel with you.  I think of all the women who are still there and I wish I could help them through with all the things that I see so clearly now, but I know I cannot and when you’re in it some things just feel so impossible.  I do not think you will ever forget that ache in your heart to become a mother and since I can’t remove the pain from every one still experiencing it, I wanted to share some things I wish I did more of, or things that worked for me during those extremely difficult holidays.  

To begin, I think every mother deserves to be celebrated and I felt strongly about this even during the darkest days of infertility.  I want every single mother who gets the opportunity to celebrate their babies to do the same.  Celebrate the heck out of those gifts because even though motherhood is so difficult, the ache to become a mother runs deep.

I believe, when we get the chance to celebrate moms all around, it surfaces a sense of hope that we can all benefit from when we are struggling so badly.  Every time I would see another mother’s day post (especially a mama who survived infertility) I always felt this feeling that if it happened for them, it could happen for me too.  I also felt the sadness, the grief of becoming a mother the way I had planned for my self, the suffering that only you who cannot conceive a child easily truly understands.

Our paths to becoming mothers are going to all look very different.  Some of us will fall pregnant easily, some of us will need medical support or support from another family, some of us will adopt and some of us will find peace with letting things be.  If I could turn back time and re write my story, I would never change what happened to me.  Every time I say that out loud it sounds absolutely insane because I remember never wishing it upon my worst enemy.

I’m going to assure all you someday mamas one thing, this journey will make you a better mom than the mom YOU would have been had you not gone through it (not better than any other mom who didn’t go through it, just the mom YOU would have been without this journey).  You have been given this struggle because it will affect you so profoundly it will change the way you do motherhood, it will change the way you see life.  I get messages everyday from women who are aching and hurting and that feeling is so real and I just wanted to reach out to each of you and tell you that even though I have gotten through it, I still see you and understand you and I wish I could personally hold your hand through it all.  Instead, I’ll write you this

Oh Some Day Mamas,

First of all, what a part of your story you probably didn’t expect.  But darling sister, never give up, never stop fighting for what your heart is screaming and aching for.  You better listen to that fire in your soul that cannot stop thinking about it because your baby is waiting for you.

I wanted to write this to you specifically as if we were sitting there together one on one.  I don’t know where you are at in your journey, obviously I don’t know your diagnosis or circumstances, but I want to tell you all the things I wish someone had told me when I was going through infertility. 

First of all, you are so not alone and this does really suck.  The fear of not becoming a mother is so terrifying (or at least for myself it was) and I know how it keeps you up at night, how it brings on this horrible ache in your stomach and how it feels like it will never happen.  The women we celebrate on Mother’s Day are proof that it does happen and it will happen for you in one way or another.  One day, you’re going to be sitting there with a child in your arms and somebody is going to look at you and feel a sense of hope because of that miracle in your arms.  There are women all around you who are struggling to conceive a baby just the way you are right now even though it may feel like pregnancy announcement after pregnancy announcement what you aren’t seeing are all the mama to be’s getting a negative after a negative. 

So while we take this day to focus on all the already mamas I want you to do one thing: Tell yourself that you will celebrate Mother’s Day one year and for many years following that one.  Let that spark hope within.  One day you TOO are going to be standing in that position you see everyone else in right now and what they won’t see is your struggle, your negative test after negative test or how you got to become a mother.  I used to hate when people would say ‘everything happens for a reason’ but I believe we are given these journeys in life because they are meant to shape us into the people we are supposed to become.  I think back to how miserable and sad I was and know that bringing a baby into the world wouldn’t have made it all better, I wouldn’t have been a good mother to these babies because I was hurting, and suffering and unhappy.  This is a very vulnerable place to be. I understand the shame and the self blame and the wanting to hide in a whole until it happens for you too but do not do that to yourself.  Take the time to care of you and create the best version of you so when you do become a mother you are able to become the best mother you will ever be.

I want you to start believing it in your bones.  No really, stop right now and tell yourself “I will become a mother”.  Nothing you are doing is affecting your ability to conceive but how are you surviving this?  I wish somebody told me this, then.  It is so okay to hurt, and cry, and want to hide and to just be by yourself but it is so important you live.  I gave up everything I loved doing because I was hurting so badly.  I stopped living life, I found the faults in others, I judged and lived small.  My hurt was effecting how I was living my life, I was a completely different person.  Absolutely everything you have right now, somebody else wishes they had.  Your health, your spouse/partner, a roof over you head, food on your table, the clothes you are wearing, the device you are reading this on, the gifts within that you possess.  Somebody, somewhere wishes for all of the above.  You are so allowed to feel how you feel and those feelings are so real but while you feel all those feels, I want you to get up and live.  I want you to find yourself even more during this time of suffering, find the things that bring you the most joy, that make you want to live better and do better and give back every chance you get. 

Find and focus on all things that fill your cup so you have no space to hold onto suffering.  So when you have no choice but to suffer, you resurface the idea that until you get where you want to be there is so much else to celebrate. I feel you can work through the hurt while you’re going through it, maybe not entirely, but well before you find a solution to it.  I found that I became my happiest self before I became a mother, it wasn’t when I became a mother that I became happy.  I want you to do the same and trust me on this one.  The fear is all consuming and I understand exactly where you are and my heart is just aching because I know that pain.  If I ever had the chance, I wouldn’t take it away from you because you’re going to learn a type of patience you can only learn from a situation like infertility.  You’re going to gain a sense of appreciation that sometimes would other wise be taken for granted.  You’re going to believe in the power of hope and you’re going to lean on this on so many occasions during your motherhood journey. 

Practice gratitude, this will forever change your life and how you raise your children.  Fill space in your heart for what brings you joy and makes you happy and work through some of these debilitating feelings.  I believe in the power of positivity so I want you to repeat positive affirmations everyday: “I will become a mother no matter how it happens”. “My eggs are capable and strong”. “I will be placed with the perfect birth parents”.  Whatever your own personal affirmations might look like repeat them every single day.  Practice yoga, get external support, share your story, ask for help and make sure you give yourself time to feel it all.   So on Mother’s Day, find yourself celebrating the mother you will be once you too, come out on the other side. 

Love, 
Eleni