MY INSTAGRAM MADE ME FEEL LIKE SHIT

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There is something not many girls on Instagram would ever admit (or maybe even feel themselves)– but this little world can make you feel like shit.  Pardon my French, but this most certainly happened to me.  Creating a beautiful feed is a art, a talent, an every day challenge.  Those who don’t use an Instagram for business/inspiration may not understand that these picture perfect snaps take a lot of work.  Coming up with the content and ideas, finding a fun unique location (like my one barn I always use, I need to work on that), creating the post, editing the post, posting the post.  I wish it were as easy as bend in snap in picture value..more like click and post.

The truth is life isn’t perfect.  Mine isn’t, your’s isn’t, Beyonce’s isn’t (…it isn’t?).  So why do we all feel like everyone has it so perfectly put together?  There came a point where Tim turned to me and said, “Babe, what is happening right now is so out of your character.”

My Instagram began making me feel like the shittiest person on the planet.  How? What? An app is making you feel crappy about yourself?  Like is this even possible?  When I put it like that I can’t help but laugh at how stupid it really is, but it’s true–I felt like shit.  

It is inevitable to not come across as this self absorbed, materialistic, keeping-up-with-the- Joneses, I’m doing what everyone else is doing kind of person.  For those of you who know me personally, I hate keeping up with the Joneses. Heck, I’d rather not even know the Joneses at all.

So I’m posting on Instagram after taking a whole 3 day break from posting–ridiculous.  The truth is, aside from needing to post campaigns, in those three days I came to realize A LOT.  I’m the type of person where if I commit to doing something, I am going to give it my 110% (except for high school–I don’t even remember academics in high school).  My life became my blog.  Which in some ways it was an amazing thing and others it was absolutely toxic.

I think the hardest part for me was forgetting one thing that I have lived by for so long.  Living in the moment, enjoying the moment.  I started thinking of everything that was to come, the next photo, the next blog post, the next creep session.  But then I started to realize that though I didn’t often care what others were doing, I never felt good enough. Tim was right–completely out of my character.  Since when did I ever care about what others thought of an outfit I wore? Or how I did my makeup? Or why I couldn’t just master the art of photos like the ever so talented so-and-so.

The truth is comparison is the ABSOLUTE THEIF OF JOY.  I am currently on my knees bowing down to the creator of this one, Theodore Roosevelt that’s you!  I never really realized I was comparing cause I think I didn’t care all too much about the obvious things. I was always happy for my friends success and always wanted to help them and do my best to make sure they felt their best.  When they worked for success I was nothing but happy for them.  But I was missing the little tiny boat.  Just because I wasn’t comparing numbers, or gigs, or photos didn’t mean I wasn’t comparing. So what happened?

One thing I have always felt is gratitude:

For My Health because I have seen people so sick I had to brush their hair for them because they couldn’t do it for themselves, wipe their tears from their eyes because their arms were so weak they physically could not lift them to their eyes, and had pain so bad the only sound they could make was that of suffering.

For Those Who Love Me and My Ability To Love Back.

For My Confidence. I actually don’t give a shit what you think about me.  People don’t like me and talk about me all the time, I just don’t know it.  So now that I have a tiny little following and it’s a little more public why should I care? I’m not perfect, I don’t know everything and I own the fact I am not the most stylish person in the world.  It’s cool. When you comment telling me I look fat it doesn’t make me wonder why I eat so many burritos, it makes me question why someone would want to take precious time from their short lives and focus so much energy on putting other people down.

But, within all of this I lost all feelings of gratitude and I started wanting more. I began working with brands I had dreamed of working with and making connections with some pretty inspiring girls but something was missing.  I think the hardest part for myself is that I didn’t want more followers, or more things to own but I wanted more for myself overall.

I want to live somewhere that doesn’t have snow and looks gorgeous 24/7.  Forgetting this is where we make a good living that allows us to live the relaxed life we do.  I wanted to give away everything I own to travel the world year round, forgetting I have two little Yorkies who have my whole heart and couldn’t come along.  I wanted vegan restaurants and cafes on every corner.  Forgetting that before I started my blog I loved cooking healthy and shopping for nutritious foods and dreamed of growing my own garden.  I forgot that I loved to inspire people through my eyes and experiences for the life I am currently living.  My perspective changed from feeling like I had absolutely everything in the world to feeling like the only way to be happy was by wanting more.

I think this is the hardest place I have ever been because I know what Convey The Moment is.  I know who I am. I am a girl who is interested in style that maybe isn’t on point with what every one else is doing, but loves sharing that with others.  I am animal obsessed and I love posting the same pictures of my dogs over and over because this is what makes me happy.

I am always looking to be inspired and wanting others to feel more inspired. What I love most about this job is being able to get creative, when I’m working at staging pictures and sharing things I have created and enjoy doing, I feel happiest.  I think I have  had a hard time trying to explain to people that my life isn’t this put together, my hair is almost never done and the peaks into my home are the organized parts.

I am the most unorganized, unplanned person you will ever meet yet my feed tells you something completely different.  But where is the balance?  This is my job that just so happens to be my life.  How do I work strategically yet realistically?  I’m always snapping unready shots of myself, tweeting moments I might be having or sharing a post to facebook of my unkept closet because I want you to know I am a real human being.  Instagram just happens the type of job which ONLY highlights the good stuff.  We compare the good things of everyone else’s lives to the realistic parts of our own.  That I don’t love, making people feel like shit because of my not so perfect life.  I am working towards finding a healthy life-work balance including more of the things I am really passionate about.

I know I am not the only one feeling this way because I see those words, “Comparison Is the Thief Of Joy” being posted all the time.  I want people to understand social media is maddening and only makes life more complicated. If there is someone that could maybe benefit from knowing they aren’t alone send them the link to this post.  I want people to understand that when I’m publicly going to drop the S-word, it better be worth it.  I hope others can find comfort in knowing it’s okay to step back and re-evaluate.  It’ll take patience and courage but it will be worth it.  What will really matter in 2 years from now? 10 years from now?  20 years from now?  I can 100% guarantee the life you lived will play a bigger part than the job you worked.  

While I am in the midst of figuring this all out, I will still be carrying out my previously planned posts, but you can expect some changes for Convey The Moment in the very near future.  In the meantime, here’s to working towards sharing more of what I love and believe in.

Disclosure: Not everyone on Instagram feels this way this is just a personal experience I have had.